An Introvert's Studio Diary: Did I Fail? | Atelierovo Art

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On how fear and self-doubt can paralyse creativity and playfulness.

Ivi

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I received a commission. From a wonderful woman, on a theme I personally love.

She wants a painting of a companion, a guardian - a falcon.

I'm as excited as a little kid and so I throw myself into creating this being almost immediately.

Falcons are, for me, the wings of the wind - masters of the right decision at the perfect moment. They know when their time has come. And when it does, they don't hesitate.

They are precise.

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It's become something of a habit with me - every single painting that passes through my hands triggers a certain process within me, one I always love to surrender to, even when it isn't easy.

Doubt.

My nervousness grows with the knowledge that this wonderful woman doesn't need to see the painting in progress, that she loves to be surprised and trusts me completely. Her only wish is that it reflects my earthy style... and that it comes from me.

And in me - (just like when I was little) a process is triggered - I want everyone to always be happy, no matter what.

Oh boy.

My inner monologue goes something like this:

Getting a commission where someone tells you they love your work and that they want it "in your style" and that you have complete freedom - that's the absolute best! That's what you always wanted! Wonderful!

Erm.

Until it isn't.

What if she doesn't like it?What if she wanted it completely differently from how I did it?What if I failed?I should have been sending her photos from the process - at least then she'd have had a chance to see it and tell me if she wanted to change anything!

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Inhale.

Exhale.

I look at the falcon, who speaks to me.

His name is Jhini. He whispers:

Trust her - she means it. Your work is perfect precisely because you are written into it. The way you see. The way you feel. Your courage to go into things despite your greatest inner self-criticism, to reveal yourself and show that being gentle, fragile, vulnerable and so often completely uncertain alongside all of that - is exactly what is unrepeatable.

That is you - and all of it is written into her. Go on, continue.

Release the heaviness.

Spread your wings.

Fly.

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An Introvert's Studio Diary: Did I Fail? | Atelierovo Art

Something inside me knows that into my work I pour everything that was meant and wanted to be given.

I trust in the unknown. In the process.

I feel somehow that this collection of my guardians, with the central theme of "The Wild Essence Within Us", is drawing to a close. And beautifully so. With Jhini.

With complete surrender and trust in something higher - and in people who still feel, and are grateful to be able to.

Especially in days when nothing is certain.

So I'm going to create.

Something new.

And dreamlike.

Landscapes.

You have something to look forward to.

And so do I.

With much love,

~ Ivi

~ Atelierovo Art

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