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An Introvert's Studio Diary | On a New Series of Paintings | Atelierovo Art


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"Regeneration of Wild Nature & the Primal Essence Within Us"



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This collection first comes to me in colours — colours I feel an acute need to work with. As if they underline an inner state I couldn't quite put into words. Something inside me keeps reaching for grey, brown, beige, white and all their shades. And hm... Gold. My "rational mind" wants to justify it, as always — it looks for a way to paint something that everyone likes at first glance. Something with "cheerful", tender, "cute" colours and themes. Something "sweet, pastel, uncomplicated" and above all: "popular". Hm. Whether I want it or not, those themes won't let me near them — my hand, and especially my heart, refuse to cooperate. I don't feel the excitement I normally feel when something carries deep meaning and brings that inexplicable joy and, so often, deep emotion. And that only comes on its own — spontaneously, during the act of creating itself.



So I let go of the logical "calculation" with ease. I smile. It's clear. I always want to create from my own inner impulses — not because "someone likes something" and it's "in". Every being, every painting, every colour choice has its season. A phase of life that is deeply rooted in the person who creates. And my phase right now is this one.


It is everything — except colourful and easygoing.



Sometimes I catch myself wanting to move this version of me into different feelings. To change it, escape from what I feel here and now — to paint over the grey, the worry, the clay, the earth, the loss, the breath, the wind and the cold. But I'm also aware of the other side: if I did that, I would lose the chance to capture what's on the flip side of this coin — embodied transformation, wisdom, deep emotion, gratitude, strength, courage, determination and above all, an inner stability that is most needed precisely when what is no longer functional — what is no longer needed for the next step — begins to fall apart.



So many times I want to force myself to feel it "differently" — to carry all that heaviness into "other colours" and other feelings. Lighter ones. More "digestible" and understandable for more people. Into a kind of positivity that feels uplifting. But when I'm honest with myself, it's not because it flows naturally from me right now — it's only because I no longer want to feel what I've known in my bones for a long time, unshakeably.


I realise that the best thing I can do for myself and for my work right now is to settle into exactly where I am and: feel. Everything, gradually and fully — and do my best to capture it on canvas. Step out of the way. Stop overriding myself with "logical justifications" and let intuition lead. Stop numbing myself with outside noise, see things clearly, without judgement. Accept them. Turn off the lights, switch off the loud music, stop pretending that "this party is fine and everyone's having a great time." It isn't.



Instead, I lie down on the ground. I feel the cold of the earth after winter — but also its heartbeat. I breathe in the scent of pine and spruce, plunge into the icy water of the tajch, walk through the forest and meadows with our dog, in silence, without words or pointless chatter. I get rained on sometimes, and sometimes completely frozen through. At home I make myself a hot tea and "stare into nothing."



I breathe, I feel, I am. I let myself be guided by what I feel and tune my ears to that quiet whisper in the treetops — carried by the Wind. My beloved Wind. Free, wild, invisible. And so often — visible! But probably only when it feels like it. I often see it in swirling leaves, in hair blowing loose, in the surface of water. It has a sense of humour. And it brings change.


Inevitable one.




~ Ivi

~ Atelierovo Art



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